Morgana Sucks At Magic
by SolitaryPerfectionist
Summary: There are two reasons to fear a person with magic. Because they know how to use it, or they don't know how to use it. (Crackitty-Crack).
Contrary to what many people seemed to think (no doubt with a bit of... _persuasion_ , on her part), Morgana really wasn't good at magic. She stumbled, she guessed, and she tried, but she never _really_ did get the hang of it. Perhaps it was psychological damage from her time in Camelot, or simply the infectious stupidity that ran in the Pendragon bloodline. She never really found out, as she was to busy trying to get people executed, assassinated, or dead in general.

Now that she had an ample amount of time as a side-effect of her current living situation, she figured she could work out the kinks. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

When she tried to move an object, it exploded. When she tried to start a fire, she ended up _melting wood_. When she decided to be particularly intimidating in the presence of Agravaine, she ended up causing everything in the immediate vicinity to shatter, crack, combust, and a wide variety of other violent, unnatural behavior. Which wasn't the worst, because what Agravaine didn't know of her talents wouldn't hurt him. Or it would. Badly, probably. She didn't particularly care.

By some miracle, she had Arthur's annoying manservant chained in her bedroom. Which sounded weird, but she didn't care. Her entire hovel was her bedroom if she tried hard enough. Regardless, she knew she could not waste the opportunity.

She decided to summon a creature from her reading. The Fembrosia or something. The names didn't matter much, did they?

With a smile plastered on her face, formed under the assumption that everything would go right, she slapped Merlin awake and delivered some sinister monologue she was rather fond of. The more she though about it the more it seemed fairy-tale worthy. Well, maybe evil-child-witch-in-training-tale worthy.

And then everything went horrendously wrong.

The Fendoricha (or whatever) grew to a size that she was _definitely_ sure didn't match the description in her book. To her credit, she quickly realized that she'd have to abandon her plan. Because that _rarely_ ever happened.

"Kill him!" at least one of her problems would be solved. The giant snake in he bedroom? Slightly more challenging.

The many headed snake curled itself into a very elegant S shape, swaying slowly.

"IDIOT. IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL ME, IT'S LOOKING FOR A MATE."

What? That was unexpected.

However that did explain the vaguely doting expression the snake wore.

"CAN'T YOU READ? GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY GET IT AWAY GET IT BLOODY _AWAY!_ " Between Merlin's girlish screams and his newly gained admirer, she feared she'd go mad. Well. Mad-er. So Morgana did the only thing she could think.

She threw a tantrum worthy of the Pendragon name.

"SHUT UP. SHUT. _UP._ YOU AND YOUR NEW SPOUSE. JUST. SHUT. UP." she felt a prickling sensation crawl up her neck.

The same neck that was now coated in a thick layer of snake blood and shredded guts. That was always charming. In the corner of her eye she saw Merlin lean against a wall, curled into a ball and panting heavily. She almost felt sorry for the probably-traumatized manservant. Oh well. That's what you get poisoning people.

"Well. The first time a girl shows interest me and you go and blow her up. _Thanks."_ he quipped. Oh god how she wanted to _punch_ him in his perfect _teeth_. Is that the extent of his appreciation? She knew he grew up in a peasant town, but you'd expect some courtesy to the person who just saved you from a fate arguably worse than death.

She waited a bit. Still, no " _Thank you almighty benevolent Morgana for saving the life an insolent cretin like myself, I sacrifice my life, my freedom, and my services for you and you alone."_ or heaven forbid, a " _Thank you."_

"Perhaps I wanted to keep you her. All for myself." She put on her best smirk, and enunciated. And punctuated. And any other thing she could think of.

The outcome was perfect. He writhed and squirmed under her unwavering stare obviously submitting to her glory- wait...why was he grimacing.

Her smile dropped.

"Merlin, do I have something on my face?" she was genuinely concerned now. Did she have blackberry jam on her lips? Even evil kingdom-conquering witches had to indulge themselves sometimes.

"Um. Just a little...um...thing..." he raised his index finger to his face before swallowing hard. "Here." he opened his hand and gestured to his entire face.

Figures. It's just Merlin being a... _Merlin._

She wondered if the Fern-eating-boar thing worked on him after all.

She turned around and screamed. Her beautiful majestic face, white as snow and gleaming like silver, polished like- ahem. Her face was coated in blood. Thick, warm, snake blood. How exactly had she not noticed? Oh right. _Merlin._

"Merlin why didn't you tell me I have snake guts on my face!" Oh god, she probably got four new illnesses just from breathing it in. Gaius would have a field day with her.

"I tried-"

"Never mind! Now that I have you completely bent to my will, I might as well make use of you." She gave him a wash clothe and instructed him to wash fer face. Hopefully all his years scrubbing floors would pay off.

Not that she was comparing her flawless, glorious face, pure as light, and touched with the subtle grace of - _ahem_. She wasn't comparing her face to Camelot's floors.

Merlin stood unmoving in shock. Her feared the worst for his arch-nemisis. She had gone absolutely mad.

"Morgana. Do you have any idea what you're doing." Merlin inquired, in his best placating voice. Considering his position, it sounded as gentle as the royal kitchens when Uther's friends visited.

"Are you threatening me?" She threw her hand out, intended to choke him. With a cruel smirk adorning her perfect, angelic face, sprinkled with- _ahem._ She smirked cruelly only to notice.

Merlin was fine, and sporting a very elaborate flower crown.

"Well you certainly know how to flatter me. I'm not sure daises are my thing. Try lilacs?" Merlin cocked his arm around his head, repositioning the crown atop his head.

What? That _definitely_ wasn't supposed to happen.

In sheer disbelief, she threw out here hand again, intending to send the fool into the unconscious. She would work out what to do with him after he was bound, and gagged, gagged twice, and blindfolded. Knowing Merlin, he'd probably _still_ manage to drive her mad. Regardless, she focused her magic into her palms.

...And found Merlin admiring himself, now dressed in a very flamboyant _pink_ dress.

"Not sure about the colour either? Can we try a nice sky blue? Or maybe some emerald? Oh I know! Lavender would look grand!"

She could have screamed. That bastard was actually _enjoying_ this. She tried again.

"I _really_ hate corsets. Why would you even wear these?"

"I'm fairly certain petticoats would look much better on my mother."

"Seriously? I _know_ this is one of Gwen's. I mean I understand that your hut is messy but this is a bit much."

"Hold on, isn't this yours? I've never seen anyone else-"

She had enough.

"STOP. STOP IT YOU INSUFFERABLE MISCREATION."

There was an ominous cracking. She was hoping it was thunder, flaunting her power. Or perhaps she had brought down a lightning storm. Or...

Her roof came down.

Morgana angrily shoved off all manner of stray wooden sticks and straw covering her.

"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM. I'M GOING TO WRAP MY HANDS AROUND HIS DISGUSTING FILTHY NECK AND I'M GOING TO _SQUEEZE_ THE LIFE OUT OF THE MISERABLE SACK OF BLOOD. WHERE ARE YOU DAMN IT."

And then she blacked out.

When the numbness subsided, she began to retake control over her body. Only to discover that she was moving. Unwillingly.

"MERLIN. PUT ME _DOWN_."

He ignored her. Well. He tried to.

That plan had been abandoned when she kneed him in the ribs, from her strangely comfortable position over his shoulder.

He sighed. She asked him to after all, so he obliged. He dropped her on her rear.

"You dropped me? Really Merlin?" and so her rant begun

"You asked me to."

"I should kill."

"Try. I dare you."

"You put a bag over my head? Do you have _any_ idea how wrong that looks?"

"I'd ask the same about patricide."

"I mean at least give me a bag that doesn't smell like _apples."_ she much preferred berries. Delicious morsels of sweet flesh and vibrant color, not unlike her own, flawless- _ahem._

"It's _your_ bag."

"I really _really_ want to kill you." why was Merlin always such a... _Merlin!_

"You know what I'm capable"

Why was he acting so _bloody_ smug?

"Enlighten me, after all I-"

"My magic, for one-"

"Your _WHAT?"_ did she really hear that or did he drug her. No, no he must have drugged her.

"My magic? We've been over thi-"

"YOU'VE HAD MAGIC THIS ENTIRE TIME AND YOU NEVER ONCE THOUGHT TO TELL ME."

"I'VE BEEN DROPPING HINTS FOR _YEARS_. I EVEN USED MAGIC IN FRONT OF YOU!"

"Wait really?"

"YES! WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT."

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE TELLING ME YOU WERE GAY."

" _WHAT?"_

"You know, your feelings for Arthur, Lancelot, and the-" she was genuinely puzzled now.

"I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR ARTHUR. I PREFER WOMEN MUCH MORE THANKS."

"But- What? You were always talking about how Arthur in peril brings out magic in you- _oh."_ Well. That's changes thing. And explains things. _A lot_ of things.

"YOU POISONED ME!"

"I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT I WAS GOING TO USE MAGIC TO BRING YOU BACK."

"You healed me?"

"Oh for the love of- YES OF COURSE I HEALED YOU. Morgause was always particularly _illiterate_ when it came to healing. Or potions. Or anything that doesn't involve _murder_."

"WELL I KNOW THAT _NOW._ WHY DO YOU STILL SIDE WITH ARTHUR BLOODY PENDRAGON."

"Well, funny story, actually." he had the decency to look a bit sheepish.

"I'm _all_ ears."

"Well there was sort of this...um...Dragon. A dragon that Uther kept "Hidden" in his basement, and he foretold that Arthur will be some sort of Once and Future king who will unite magic and all, as soon as he gets his head out of his great big royal-"

"YOU LET THE DRAGON GO?"

"...Maybe just a bit. But I fixed it! With Dragonlord-stuff and all."

"YOU'RE A DRAGONLORD?"

"YES. SOMETHING I MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED IF YOU WEREN'T TO BUSY TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE."

"I'M SORRY!" Wait, what?

"SO AM I!" Wait, _What?_

The pair, who had ran out of things to scream about went silent.

"Where are you taking me anyways?" In retrospect, that probably should have been her first question. Best for last, I guess.

"Camelot. To see Gaius. It's clear that you have _literally_ no idea how to use your magic."

Her jaw dropped. Was he- no...No, no, He couldn't _possibly_ be so foolish... _right?_

"Hm, yes, I suppose that's a _brilliant_ , plan There's only the small matter of, oh, I don't know, _the collective entirety of Camelot trying to kill me_."

"You forget my lady, you're in the hands of a _competent_ sorcerer." He stated smugly, walking off.

"What? DID YOU JUST INSULT ME? GET BACK HERE YOU CRETIN."

And then she punched him in the teeth.

 _ **This is horrendously unedited so please point out my mistakes. Rip it apart. Whatever you like. Have at it.**_


End file.
